I’ve been here before. But nothing like this. The afternoon I spoke with F______, I lay in bed for a while, thighs red and stinging from what I’d done and thought about what it meant.

Finally, I got up and went to my book shelf. There, on the third shelf from the bottom, where my erotic works collection began, I found Leopold van Sacher-Masoch’s Venus in Furs, an old favorite and opened it to one of the pages I had marked.

“But Severin,” I said, placing my hand on his arm, “how can you treat a pretty lady thus?”

“Look at the woman,” he replied, blinking humorously with his eyes. “Had I flattered her, she would have cast the noose around my neck, but now when I bring her up with the kantchuk, she adores me.”

“Nonsense!”

“Nonsense, nothing. That is the way you have to break in women.”

“Well, if you like it, live like a pasha in your harem, but don’t lay down theories for me–”

“Why not,” he said animatedly. “Goethe’s ‘you must be the hammer or anvil’ is absolutely appropriate to the relation between man and woman. Didn’t Lady Venus in your dream prove that to you? Woman’s power lies in man’s passion, and she knows how to use it, if a man doesn’t understand himself. He has only one choice: to be the tyrant over or the slave of a woman. As soon as he gives in, his neck is under the yoke, and the lash will soon fall upon him.”

I don’t remember this story well. What made Severin so susceptible to women? He could either have the paradigm of virtue or a faithless tyrant. I remember that, I also remember Wanda like a specter in the night, wrapped in nothing but furs.

What drives a person to be so thrilled by violence? When F______ pushed me into that car, I was frightened, but my arousal existed alongside that fear to such an extent that I didn’t know whether my heart was racing because I was terrified or because I was turned on.

Now, this phone call. I don’t know if Dr. F______ is treating me as a patient or if he has some other motives.

Who is Dr. F______? I hit up Google and found him through findapsychologist.org.

Elias S. F______, Ph.D.
Psychologist licensed in CA
Graduated From University of Southern California

Areas of Expertise
Clinical neuropsychological assessment, behavioral health intervention involving medical conditions, adjustment disorder, individual psychotherapy, hypnosis or hypnotherapy

Ages Served
Adults (18-64 yrs.)

Additional Credentials
ABPP – Clin Neuro, ABPP – School

So he has cred. It’s funny, most people do this before they meet with a therapist. I’m a little surprised I didn’t. There was something in A______’s when he told me he wasn’t going to see me and had referred my case.

A______. Impulsively, I picked up my phone and called his office.

“Dr. Jason A______’s office,” a cheerful voice responded.

“Hello, Elena, this is Zita B______, I have a matter I would like to speak with Dr. A______ about.”

“Please hold.”

I waited. Finally, there was a click, and then Elena came back on the line, the tone somewhat altered.

“The doctor is unavailable right now,” she said flatly. “Can I take a message?”

“No, that’s all right, thank you.”

She hung up without another word.